But screw it. I wanna have sex so bad. And I mean, obviously the physical release would be great & all.. But that’s not even the main reason. I miss the excitement, the foreplay, the connection and feelings during, etc. The lack of feeling empty (ha ha, yes I get the double meaning, but seriously!) and lonely… I know that sex isn’t a cure all for my problems cuz they aren’t just skin deep. Also, if I wanted to have sex with just anyone, it’d be all too easy… But there are very few people that I would feel comfortable doing this with. And even fewer that I actually want to… Though I still don’t see why I’m having trouble… Guess that’s a whole other issue.
I am at a low point in my life and I’m starting to see it. I drink too much and too often in hopes of numbing everything that I don’t wanna feel or think about. The future is this big treacherous cloud that looks terrifying from afar and let me tell you, I’m freaked out by it.
But, back to my initial point… I just would like to have sex; to feel pleasure and all the other good feelings that come along with it for a while. To feel those feelings without the aid of any kind of substance abuse.
Realizing that all this time, deep down, all you’ve actually wanted is one person that you’ll probably never be with. But worst of all is everything that keeps the glimmer of hope alive that it could possibly happen eventually.
Ugh, life isn’t fair sometimes. Oh well. At least I have the most amazing friends in the world! :-)
I miss the happiness I felt. I miss the cute things that my ex did. I miss parts of him, but know that there were good reasons for parting ways. It’s not necessarily that I want him back…. I don’t think. I’d say it’s more that I wanna take all of the things that I loved about him, take all the things I don’t love out of another, and create the perfect person for me. It’d make things so much easier because I’m sure that the person my heart for some reason wants wouldn’t be good for me in the off chance that he did want me. Then there is a guy that seems to possess all of the major qualities that I want… He’s crazy about me, likes who I am, gets along with everyone, is open minded about things, etc. Seemingly as close to perfect as I’ve seen… But still I’m so confused.
Why? Why can’t I talk myself out of something that I know wouldn’t be the best for me? That’s insane! I know all of the bad things and yet somehow I’m still holding on? Thinking about all of this I can just feel the part of me that’s holding on, it’s this piece of me deep down to the core. It’s that same place that aches and literally feels like there’s a hole straight through you when you’re hurting emotionally. THAT’S why I can’t let go. That part of me is beyond my control and rational thought. That part doesn’t let go until it’s been completely proven beyond a shadow of a doubt; when it’s good and ready. But when it does finally let go, it’s done for good… Never to feel the same way again.